I haven’t written here for several months now, and I have no reason. I have had ideas about what to write, I have even written a draft post or two, yet nothing has been posted. Why? I think I have become complacent. Not willingly so, but none the less I have.
I have a strong idea about where I am going with my career, but like many time needs to be put in before I can climb the career ladder. I need to earn my place so to speak. So I have been volunteering at my local Hospital Radio, while working two part time jobs.
Knowing that I need a certain amount of experience before I can proceed has brought up two emotions in me. The first is frustration. I understand why I cannot simply jump forward, but that does not limit the annoyance at the slow pace I must travel. I am learning a lot where I am, and I know that the process is going to teach me so much about the work I hope to do. It is more than that though, a persons progression also shapes them. So it is not as if I am eager to skip the process all together. This could be down to fear I will never get to that finish line, that I will fall over and not get back up.
This is what has lead my to emotion number two, I am also content. Although the two may seem like juxtapositions, to me they fit together surprisingly well. The fear that comes from my frustration has in a way forced me to stay where I am. I have resisted rocking the boat in order to maintain control over the present as I cannot do that for the future. What I am trying to say is, I have been avoiding this blog as it reminds me what I am striving for, because there is a chance I could fail.
I really do not see myself as particularly interesting, or any good at writing if I am honest. I do find myself increasingly eager to share my opinions and experiences though, and I believe that started here. I began to realise that even if there was no audience, writing out what I felt allowed me to feel I had done something. I want to be part of the big stories in the future, but I know that everything starts with the little ones. Sometimes the little ones can be the ones that affect change the most.
Apologies for those who read it, it is mostly my thought process, one that I am not fully convinced with myself. I feel like this post is rather dramatic and quite self indulgent, but as long as it gets me back to writing and consciously looking at others writing then needs must. In any case, I am back, who knows for how long this time. Hopefully I can stick with it or at least I can hope to understand why I choose to stop next time. The plan is to stick with it though, just so you know.